Misc: A Thesis(?) of an Antithesis

Hello dwellers on the internet,
Hello to anyone who actually still reads this blog,

It’s been a long time since I actually wrote a proper blog post, that I no longer know how to write a blog post anymore (苦笑い). Well, this is Tetrax, the person who started this Spice & Wolf themed blog and abruptly disappeared in 2018 – because they decided they haven’t had enough of studying and so decided to take up a PhD study in Physics like a fool. This is the same person who used to write amateurish anime reviews… … or are they?

In any case, I’ll just go straight to the point here.
As the title of this post states, this is “A Thesis(?) of an Antithesis“. The Antithesis in question being me. I was planning to post this “Hi! I’m back” post 2 weeks ago after submitting my thesis, but I didn’t really like how heavy I made the post and so rewrote it several times over and left it sitting for a while before I felt… calmer to finish it.

To keep the long story short,
I started my PhD in 2018 August with Supervisor A. This guy never told me he had plans to leave in 2 years when my course duration is 4 years. He left the school in late 2020, and I was transferred to a new Supervisor B.
After working with a post-doctorate from Supervisor A’s group for 2.5 years, I had a fallout with them. Somehow I managed to tolerate working with them for another year (This means I have just half a year to finish my thesis and whatever delayed data analysis because of this person). Working with this person and pitying them is my biggest regret of doing this PhD. Probably the only person I’ve met, whom I will literally call them a ****er/***hole with burning rage. And that’s considering that I have never swore, or never inclined to swear with/without reason.
I would argue, that it’s natural to feel this much fury when you’ve spent so much effort, energy, blood, sweat and sometimes tears, into your work (plus in helping someone), and yet get absolutely nothing but a whole lot of negative feelings from things that are out of your control (Yes, I have zero publications even after submitting my thesis, and said ****er have the guts to blame all sorts of people/things – incld. me – except themselves without seeing they are big part of the ****ing problem).
Thanks to whatever I experienced in my 4 year PhD course, I now have 0 motivation and interest in doing research, despite starting out wanting to do it as my work and hobby combined. Also, I feel much dumber than ever before, and (as much as I want to trust people,) my trust towards people at face value is imaginary at this point. This is also the reason why I changed my blog’s side-tab quote and profile to Elaina, and it is going to be framed there for a very very long time.
[End of story. I should have called this a summary of an antithesis instead.]

But what has happened has happened – I’ve tasted the poison and lived with it. At the current crossroad, I’m just thinking what kind of work I’ll plan on doing in the future (that isn’t research), or how long a break I need to find a new interest. Honestly, “doing research” was such a big piece of myself back then, and losing it just makes me void. So it might be a while before I find something that I can anchor myself to, and see myself doing as work. Though I do not want to rush myself with this, it is also difficult given both personal and economic circumstances. I’ll try to work things out somehow though, like I always have.

In the meantime, I’ll probably pick up on new skills and try to finish up things that I’m learning halfway:
[Drawing/digital drawing, japanese language, certain programming languages, and software/programs]

As for this blog, I’m planning to return to a minimally 2 posts a week kind of schedule where at least one will be a translation post. I do actually have a backlog of songs that I want to translate, which I am partly doing as practice while learning japanese (the other reason is that I want to recommend those singers/composers and their songs). In addition, I will be touching up on past translations and attempting to correct anything that could be better translated or is mistranslated.
However, there are some community projects that I am involved in that take priority, so the consistent posting will likely be delayed for maybe a month plus… But I am sort of back.

And… that’s the thesis of an antithesis.

Thanks for reading (I guess?) and wish you a good day/night ahead.
I’ll see you all in the normal blog posts soon.

(I feel like the style of writing has changed so much in this one post that it doesn't feel like myself when I write it. I'm really sorry, especially to those who have been reading my posts from years ago. Perhaps, it's just that I'm in a conflicting mix of wanting to + not wanting to go into detail about what happened and how I feel about the last 4 years, hence giving rise to this mess of a post. But, moving on~~~)


Living life little by little as I try to understand how life works. As complex as it is, so as I am, it may take a lifetime to understand. But regardless it is not pointless to pursue a near-impossible goal.

Posted in Miscellaneous
4 comments on “Misc: A Thesis(?) of an Antithesis
  1. Irina says:

    Oh no. Sadly I’ve heard this type of story before but you never know, you might find your passion for research again… I hope you do

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry you had to deal with that. I hope you’re able to get into a place where you can relax and feel better.

    Liked by 1 person

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